I fear a fart has and always will be labelled a distraction. An embarrassment in the elevator and a poor way to contribute to the family dinner. But what if I told you a fart could alter the course of modern day politics? And before you roll your eyes, this isn’t some sort of Parliament pausing geyser or a senate stopping stink, I’m talking about a small barista’s toot in the heart of Beirut. A toot so radically putrid that a radically short-tempered diplomat took it for insult– and insult he dished back. The American diplomat flew off his jet lagged wheels, and landed the reaction on every social media platform a G7 government could only dream of owning. 

Thus began a heavy divide in social discourse. How could a country’s representative be so cruel to the people they're supposed to nurture relationships with? But what should they expect if they’re crop dusting these representatives in café’s? The headlined diplomat returns to his home country in tatters-- apparently there’s been a subtle divide in sentiment on how public farts should be viewed and dealt with. On one cheek, Democrats view the fart as a natural occurrence that shan't be controlled. On the other, Conservatives see the fart as something that should be kept in private display. The Independents? Well, they simply like the smell of either. 

The Democrats coin a new slogan– “Better Out Than In”, calling on the diplomat to resign. Conservatives retort with “Save The Air We Share”. It’s all out war in the papers, the bidets, and even in person. Radical Democrats start farting in mailboxes. Conservative leaders start calling for mandatory plugs to publically funded (and inserted). U2 writes a new album about it, and Banksy farts anonymously about it.

A new case is brought to the attention of the Supreme Court, amply titled Winders v. United States. A woman who farted in a tightly packed town hall meeting in Sulphur Springs, Texas was ejected for public indecency. The gassy justices conclude that farting is a personal liberty. The constitution is rewritten, and at least the Conservatives have learned they like a plug up their bum.